Despondency
by MrsSmithySmith
Summary: Tag to 10x12. Shiva. Tony POV. SPOILERS FOR 10x12. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED.


**Despondency: A state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage. Looking into grief or despair.**

**Tag to 10x12. Shiva. Tony POV.**

**Disclaimer: Disclaimed.**

**SPOILERS FOR 10x12. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED.**

* * *

He'd been guarding his bedroom door on and off for about 18 hours. After he'd gone back to headquarters, _ordered back, _she'd gone missing. Yesterday had been just as hectic as the previous few days. Eli was killed, the autopsy confirmed he was already dying when he arrived in DC, and it made matters worse for Ziva.

Tony had frantically ordered McGee to trace her cell to find out where she was, and when found he and Gibbs had raced round to his apartment to find her sitting on his couch, disheveled, exhausted, drained, upset, she'd been crying that much was sure.

He laid back as Gibbs talked to her, trying to comfort her, but she did nothing but brush him off, so Tony was left with a gentle order to watch over her and not let her out of his sight. _Like he'd do that._

She sits back down on his couch without a word, and despite the fact that he knows she picked his lock to get in here, and that he's never invited her here before, he understands her need to be here. It's his sanctuary, a place he likes to escape from the real world and just pretend each night that his movies, drink and peaceful place are enough to keep the demons away. He gets it completely.

He goes straight into his bedroom and drops his backpack and coat in the closet and gets changed into his dark jeans and a black sweatshirt. He hesitates to return to his living area because Ziva is still sat in the same position, blankly staring into the distance, but he knows he can't leave her like that, so he presses forward and comes to sit beside her. He keeps a fair amount of distance between them, because despite her needing him earlier at the synagogue, she looks like she needs the peace for now, so he gives it to her willingly.

* * *

He isn't allowed to return to work at all that much he knows, for however long Ziva needs someone, he'll be right by her side. He spent the remainder of the day tiptoeing his way around her, and he knows it's only because he's never been good at saying something, and with Ziva he never usually has to, but her state of mind is something in question and he's treading carefully, because she's had a few outbursts since finding her father's body a few days back, and he expected it as much, everyone did.

No-one knows what to say to her; Gibbs is keeping her at a safe distance from the case, McGee keeps saying how sorry he is for her loss or not saying anything, Abby keeps crying because she hates it when anyone dies or gets hurt, and Tony and Gibbs agreed to keep Abby at arm's length from Ziva because the latter couldn't deal with the former right now.

She's done a hell of a lot of crying, she hit the denial stage, then the need for revenge jump started, and that's when Gibbs worry kicked in and Tony's desperate need to make this all go away for her sparked. Back in the synagogue earlier, she told him she didn't want sympathy, despite him knowing that from the moment he saw Eli David's body, it was a natural instinct to express your deepest apologies and what not, but he swallowed that and asked her what she needed.

_Revenge._

He knew the feeling well. He wanted to avenge her supposed death several years ago when he thought she had gone down with Damocles. It was only natural in their line of work where they were capable of taking revenge within the law, to _want _to take revenge. He'd do anything for her, and he'd said as much to her. But they needed to do this by the book for her father, he wouldn't want her in prison, and frankly Tony's not pleased with that idea either.

So he'd begged Gibbs to keep Ziva on the case as long as he was with her whenever they left the Navy Yard. The lines had begun to blur for her, and that's when Tony had reluctantly told her enough was enough, and that's when she had disappeared and surprisingly turned up at his apartment.

* * *

He'd gotten her to shower and change not long after Gibbs had dropped off her bag of fresh clothes, and the look she had on her face when she trudged out of his bedroom wasn't a pleasant one. It was cold and hard mixed with a little shock, and he knew he wasn't going to like what he heard.

"Ziva?" She was clutching her cell phone tightly in her palm, he noticed the whitening of her knuckles. _No, he really wasn't going to like this._

He stood from the chair at his dining table as she glanced up from her cell with a hard frown. "Mossad, that was the, Deputy Director, Ilan Bodnar."

He chooses not to move or speak for her benefit, it's up to her to open up if she wants to, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't want her to tell him, but he won't force her. She bounds towards him and sits down in the empty chair, and he instantly recognises the controlled breaths she is taking when she wants to prevent her body from betraying her words. "He is, taking over my father's position... He, also found my father's, will."

He adjusts the towel around his neck to give him something to mess with whilst Ziva collects her words, because he can blatantly see whatever is coming is tough for her, maybe not as much as her father's death, but significant enough to upset her. "His estate was left to Ilan. I get nothing!"

He crouches down to face her and the anger he sees in her face is a given, but she doesn't live in Israel anymore, hasn't for years, so apart from the 'selling the estate for money' thing, he sees no point in bothering over an old house that Eli has spent many years in, he knows from Ziva herself that the house is not any of her childhood homes, so the memories from the house won't hold much value to her, but it hurts her, and when she hurts, he hurts with her. "Sometimes blood family doesn't mean anything. I got nothing from mine."

"But you have reconciled with your father! You have your family ring! I have nothing! My father is dead. He left me nothing, nothing but pain and I am blood!"

He knows he possibly worded his statement wrong, her response is a testament to his first thoughts on saying it, but it's too late now. She's not entirely right about 'the-reconciling-with-his-father' thing though; sure he loves his Dad, and he did get the family ring he's been dying to have for 20 years, but he's merely accepted that his father is never going to change, it's too much effort to try, but it's not about him right now, it's about her.

"Now you're the daughter of a dead man."

"What do you expect me to do!? Gibbs has practically thrown me off the case, Tony. There is nothing I can do!"

"You're going to be the good investigator that _I _know you are and we're going to figure out who killed your father and put them behind bars, alright?"

* * *

Ziva went to bed not long after she gave him the silent treatment for the 'daughter of a dead man' comment, and he doesn't blame her, it's the truth, yes, but she resigned all ties to Israel several years ago when she wanted to become a full NCIS Agent, and his head aches with trying to understand, because he doesn't know what it's like to lose a father in the physical sense of the word. He gets loss, big time does he get it, but Ziva has gone through more loss than anyone ever deserves and he can't compare to that. His mom was the most difficult and significant familial loss he's ever gone through; she's lost her siblings, her mother and now her father. It's no wonder the poor girl hasn't spiralled into a breakdown, he's pretty sure he would've in her position.

He presses his back against the door softly as he shuffles his weight on the floor; he should be sleeping himself but he finds that he can't because she can't. He can hear her whimpering in his bedroom behind him. He desperately wants to go in and comfort her, but she needs her space and she hates to be seen as weak, and she doesn't want sympathy, so whether he likes it or not, he's stuck.

He does eventually drop off for a while before her screaming jolts him awake, and his first reaction is to reach for his gun on his hip which isn't there_. Force of habit,_ he thinks. He jumps up and opens his bedroom doors and strides towards her, she's not screaming anymore but she's whimpering again, and he didn't like the sound she just made, so he sits on the edge of his bed and touches her elbow.

Her arm twists round in attack and he keeps a good grip on her as she startles awake. "Stop!" His other hand grabs hold of her wrist tightly as his eyes widen in fear and dart across her face. As she takes several panting breaths, he takes the time to figure out what's happened; he's never seen her like that before, and frankly it scares him because it's new. Sure he's dealt with Ziva when she's felt like giving up or has had enough, but nothing like this. He's pretty certain she just suffered a nightmare, and it definitely wasn't the first she's had.

He thinks briefly of letting go of her, because usually this is when she puts her walls back up and pushes him away; but she's not. She's welcoming his touch and his presence and he is taken aback, because it's 'post-elevator' them, being honest and open with one another, and he's willing to take on her pain like always to lessen the weight on her shoulders.

"Are you alright?"

He knows it's wrong to think it but he's expecting her to tell him that she's fine, because in a matter of a personal crisis, Gibbs is the one to turn to, not him, so it's a miracle in his eyes that she came here, to him, in the first place, and not the Bossman. Tony and Ziva aren't ones for emotional connections in a time of a crisis; they are ones to avoid the other because of the difficulty they have with opening up.

"No."

The sadness in her voice almost tears him in two. It's the very first time he's heard her openly admit that she's not ok so blatantly. He gets it though; she has no family left at all, biologically anyway.

"Do you want me to?" He hasn't made any effort to let go of her still as he jerks his head towards the open doors of his overly spacious bedroom, signalling his departure, should she want some time alone.

"No." The fact that she falls forward into his chest almost immediately after telling him not to go highlights her loneliness and he manoeuvres their arms to hug her and keep her close, her head resting over his heart.

She releases a shaky sigh and grips his shirt in her palms, and he pulls her closer rubbing a hand up and down her back. He's not sure how she's going to respond to his next question, but from what he's gathered, talking about nightmares can help, if that's what it was. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was nothing." Her voice was muffled slightly by his shirt and he shifted on the bed to bring her closer when he felt her begin to pull away. _The walls are going up._

He continued his previous ministrations on her back to try and relax her; "Ziva, you broke into my apartment for a reason. I'm here."

"I, keep seeing my father. Seeing the shooter in the house, beating, him." Her grip is getting tighter around the fabric of his shirt as her breathing picks up speed, he practically feels the sob that's about to escape her, no wonder she won't look at him. "Make it go away, Tony."

He's pretty certain that his heart just shattered into a thousand pieces because she's in so much pain and he can't make it go away, no matter how much he and Ziva want him to. He'd bring back her father in a heartbeat if he could. The man was a heartless bastard at best, but did come here in his final days to spend time with Ziva, and she deserves her Dad, heck she deserves the world, but he's no Jesus.

For now he lets her grip him like he's her last lifeline, as she sobs into his chest quietly. "Try to go to sleep." He knows the words will fall on deaf ears, because sleep is what's causing her to picture her father getting beaten as well as shot, but that's the only words of comfort he can offer her now.

"Stay with me?" _He wouldn't dream of leaving her. Ever._

* * *

**I have nothing to say at 3am. G'night.  
**


End file.
